The Color Of Guilt
by DecemberxAngel
Summary: Riku can't forgive himself for what he did while in the darkness. The cuts on his wrists attest to that. But what happens when he decides to cut a little too deep?


The blade slid easily across my pale skin, leaving a bright line of red blood in its wake. I cut myself several more times, until my wrist was nothing more than a mangled and bloody mess. I watched as the blood dripped into the sink, red streaks against the white porcelain. The cuts stung fiercely, almost as if I had poured alcohol on them. I welcomed the pain, though; it was what I deserved.

"Riku, honey, are you almost ready for school? You're going to be late," my mom called from the hallway.

"Yeah, Mom, I'll be there in a moment," I yelled back, grateful that I had thought to lock the bathroom door behind me.

I washed my wrist off, hissing as the water hit the still-bleeding cuts. With a wry smile I bandaged up the cuts and slipped on a long-sleeved shirt to hide the evidence. I glanced at myself in the mirror before going into the kitchen. A wave of self-hatred hit me when I saw myself in the glass.

The pain in my wrist reminded me that I had already punished myself that morning, though, and I made my way into the kitchen. After eating a quick breakfast I headed out the door, not wanting to be late for school.

School was across the bay on another island, just a couple miles from my house. As I walked across the beach toward the bridge that adjoined that island to mine, I saw a familiar figure running towards me.

"Hey, Riku!" Sora called as he got closer.

I waved at my best friend as he came near, unconsciously tugging at my sleeve with my other hand. The last thing I wanted was for Sora to find out what I'd been doing.

Sora and I had been home for almost a month. We had jumped right back into our normal routine, unwilling to dwell on what had happened for too long. We rarely—if ever—talked about our journeys with each other, instead preferring to live in the present.

Sora had seemed to adjust to regular life just fine. He was his normal, happy, innocent self, unaffected by the battle with the darkness. I, on the other hand, was having major trouble. I couldn't get over what I had done, to both him and to Kairi. I had given into the darkness. I had tried to kill my best friend. And I will never be able to be forgiven for that.

At first, the guilt was so unbearable that I shut down. I wouldn't eat, wouldn't sleep, wouldn't talk to anyone. I locked myself in my room and brooded, torn up by what I had become. I didn't deserve to live. I still couldn't understand why Kairi and Sora even talked to me. After what I had done, I wouldn't have been surprised if they never looked at me again.

I hated myself. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't live in my room forever, but I couldn't allow myself to just go from day to day like nothing had happened.

And that's when I found my escape. Cutting. The perfect way for me to punish myself without making it too obvious. When I cut, I was making sure that I never forgot about the pain I had caused others.

I knew what I was doing was wrong. I knew that I would end up hurting more than just myself. But it was an addiction. I tried to stop, but I couldn't. Whenever I felt stressed or particularly self-hatey, I would slice up my wrists. It was a very vicious cycle.

"Hey Riku, what's up?" Sora asked, snapping me out of my thoughts.

"Oh, hey Sora," I replied absentmindedly. "Ready for school?"

"Yeah. Can you believe we've only been back a month, and I'm already sick of homework?"

I forced a laugh, trying to act normal. "C'mon, we're gonna be late," I said, trying to cover up my discomfort. I started walking rather fast.

"Wait up, Riku!" Sora called, running to catch up to me. "Geez, you okay?"

"Fine."

Sora looked at me curiously but didn't press the matter. We finished walking to school in silence, getting there just a few minutes before the bell. We had all the same classes, and we ran into homeroom and grabbed seats near the back. I pulled my notebook out and began to randomly doodle, wincing at the pain that the motion caused in my wrist. Sora noticed and caught my attention, concerned.

"Are you sure that everything's all right?" he asked me.

I let my gaze drop back to my notebook, unable to look him in the eye. "I'm fine, okay? Stop worrying about me."

Sora opened his mouth to say more, but the teacher walked in right then. My best friend unwillingly took his book out, unable to continue the conversation. I thanked my lucky stars for the break.

As the teacher prattled on and on about something I really didn't care about, something hit me on the shoulder. Looking down, I saw that someone had balled up a piece of paper and thrown it at me. I glanced around the classroom to see a bunch of the school jerks looking at me and snickering. Rolling my eyes, I went back to my work. I wasn't exactly the most popular kid in the school, and I was used to the unpleasant attention.

Several seconds later, another ball of paper collided with my arm, then with my head. I was about to brush them onto the floor when I noticed that they had writing on them. Smoothing one out, my breath caught in my throat when I saw what it said.

_Hey jerk, heard you tried to do in that buddy of yours. Good going._

I balled the paper back up with shaking hands and pointedly dropped it on the floor. But even then, the words of the note were trapped in my head. I suddenly couldn't breathe, and I quickly excused myself from the classroom. I didn't notice that one of the kids who had thrown the note followed me out of the room and into the hall.

"Hey, Riku," he called, causing me to turn around. I kept my gaze cool, trying to look as calm as possible.

"You could tell your buddy to take some handwriting classes," I said. "It looked like a monkey wrote that."

"But come on, is it true? I heard that you betrayed the spiky-haired kid and his girlfriend and then tried to kill him." When I didn't reply, the boy broke into a cruel grin. "Man, I knew you were a jerk, but I never thought you'd sink that low. How can they even stand to be around you?"

I didn't bother to answer him, just turned around and walked off down the hall. My heart was pounding and my head was spinning. How did he find out? Sora, Kairi, and I had never talked about what happened in front of others. But now it was going to spread around the school, and people weren't going to leave Sora and Kairi alone. They'd be interrogating them about whether the rumors were true or not. And eventually they would come to see the truth—that I didn't deserve them, that they should just avoid me completely.

And it was all my fault.

I ran into the school bathroom. Everyone was in class now and would be for another forty-five minutes. I had plenty of time.

Reaching into my pocket, I pulled my razor out. This time, though, I wasn't going to bandage myself up. I was removing myself from the picture. Sora and Kairi would be much better off without me. I didn't deserve them.

I slid the blade across both of my wrists, wincing at the pain as the edge bit deeply into my flesh. The blood flowed fast and hard now, pouring down my arms and spattering the sink. I felt dizzy and fell to my knees, surprised at how fast I was losing blood. I slumped against the wall, tears running down my cheeks.

"I'm sorry, Sora," I whispered.

"Riku!"

I opened my eyes (when had I closed them?) to see Sora standing in the doorway, a look of shock and horror on his face. He was beside me in a second, hands on my wrists.

"Riku, what the heck are you doing!?" he demanded, his voice high with terror.

"I'm sorry, Sora," I said again. My vision was going black around the edges. "After everything I did, I don't deserve to live."

"What are you talking about? Can't you see we've forgiven you, you idiot? Nothing was your fault!"

I opened my mouth to reply, but my vision faded out and I fell forward in a faint. My body convulsed, and I could hear Sora shouting for someone to help. Blood was smeared everywhere, especially on me and Sora. I opened my eyes, only to meet Sora's sapphire gaze.

"Why, Riku?" he asked, anguished.

"Because…" I started, then had to stop because of the blood in my mouth. I spat it out and tried talking again. "You and Kairi are better off without me. I hurt you both too much. I'm not worth it."

"You're wrong." My eyes slipped closed, and I felt Sora pull me onto his lap. "Don't you even think of dying, do you hear me? We need you, Riku. Please stay here."

That was the last thing I heard. When I came to again, I was lying in a white hospital room, both wrists tightly bandaged. Sora was asleep in the chair next to my bed. When I moved to sit up, the sound woke him up.

"Riku! Are you okay?" he asked me when I winced in pain.

"I'm fine," I replied. Everything hurt; I couldn't believe how stupid I had been. "I'm so sorry."

Sora playfully hit me on the shoulder, his sapphire eyes sad. "I don't know what I would have done if you'd died. Promise me you'll never do anything like that again."

I looked down at my wrists, guilt welling up in me. I quickly fought it down, however. "I promise. But Sora…how could you forgive me?"

"Easily," Sora said with a smile. "You're my best friend."

I smiled and leaned back. Maybe I could find a way to forgive myself after all.


End file.
